From Sunshiney to Blue and back again

I've been feeling great lately. Sleeping through the night sure helps with the attitude adjustment. Then, out of nowhere, a day of deflation. Someone saying something to take the wind out of my sails, tantrums by the kids, feeling like I'm never, ever enough.

Depression, eff right off! I know you well enough to consider you an old friend, but although we are well acquainted, I know better than to call you friend. The enumeration of all of the ways in which I am failing my kids, my husband, myself are utterly endless, and I am sick to death of hearing them replayed in my mind AD NAUSEUM.

It is nauseating, truly. I have a great life, with the best family anyone could ever hope for. I know this. So why does this happen again and again and again? Whenever something goes awry I feel like its the end of the world, and I then I feel like the end of the world is all my fault.

This time, as quickly as the dark cloud formed above my head, it dispersed, and the world is looking sunny again. The question is: next time this happens, will I remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

?

I'm working on it

I was on such a roll, posting every day, some days twice. Then I wrote the novella of blog posts on Sunday. On Monday, I wrote nothing. I guess it was just blog-exhaustion. In any case, it provided me the opportunity to ponder perfection and my constant quest for it.

Over the weekend, our 7 year old neighbor had a seizure. The family is Orthodox, and they had to get permission from the Rabbi to drive to the hospital. It made me contemplate a whole lot. Firstly, obviously how tenuous and precious health is, and how we never appreciate it when we have it. I implore you, please take a moment today to truly accept what a huge gift your health is, and take a minute to enjoy it. You may feel too fat, too short, too wrinkled, too old, too tired... but if you are breathing without assistance, if you are medication free, if you can walk... oh, the list is endless when it comes to gratitude. But my point is that it is really the simple things that we should be embracing.

It also made me contemplate the nature of community, and about how absent it is in LA. Is it absent everywhere else too? I really miss exchanging more than a polite hello with the neighbors. We were so happy to have the opportunity to help our neighbors over the weekend, and it opened up a tiny bit of a relationship. I'm grateful for that, although I hate that it came at the expense of their child's health.

The need to call the Rabbi highlighted the perfectionist issue for me. I hate that they felt they had to make that call before just hopping into a car to care for their son. I obviously am missing an understanding of that culture, but for me, it was a lesson in seeing the forest for the trees. Is that an apt metaphor? I too get so caught up in the rules sometimes that I miss the whole point.

I'm working on it.